June (and Pride Month!) Newsletter from Michael Z

Happy Pride Month! I’m thinking so much about being queer, which I may put in a fully separate essay, but a lot of those thoughts are in the Reading section, because one of the books I read was about depictions of queer people on TV! I like reading about our history in some way in June, but also it’s kind of a hard time to read about it.

It’s the last day of June, and it’s felt like a very long month. I’m still enjoying the weather, though a bit less now. I’m grateful to have air conditioning. It’s also a mild climate most of the time, so most of the month hasn’t been very hot—today feels hot, even though it’s like 80 degrees outside, which is not a big deal where I’m from—but then again, that’s part of why I left and moved here.

I’ve been thinking about that, about the changing weather here specifically. Awhile ago we had a tornado watch, and in one of the Discord servers I’m in, people were discussing climate change, and how that’s affecting things like storm patterns here; someone else said we have always gotten tornadoes occasionally, though it is increasing. One person semi-joked that they left tornado alley but they’re being pursued, and someone said that all weather will get worse, so there’s no where to run.

That honestly annoyed me so much. It’s not untrue, that weather all over is getting worse, but it is a really mean thing to say. I moved here partly for the weather, too, and if everything is going to get worse, I’d rather be somewhere that didn’t start off beyond what I can tolerate. There isn’t nothing to moving somewhere you feel better, even if the better might dwindle. I’d rather go from 80 degrees to 90 than 95 to 110, you know?

Not to dismiss the privilege to run, obviously, but whether it’s running to a stable good environment or an unstable good environment, it’s okay to try and make our lives better however we can. The idea we should all quit everything because it’s all equally bad is deeply annoying to me.

In other, much nicer news, my neighborhood (like, my immediate four blocks) had a tiny Pride event in the park, and it was basically all I dreamed it to be. It was the most local possible; there was music and food and NEIGHBORS!

I have met a few neighbors previously, but not this many. There were also people of a variety of ages, which I was so happy to see. There weren’t teens or very elderly people, but there were babies and kids, and people in their 20s-70s, by estimate. It was interesting to get a sense of the demographics of my neighborhood, too. I met several queer people, but also some sweet straight people who just want to be supportive and know their neighbors. I traded phone numbers with a few people and it was so lovely! It was amazing to walk down the street and have something to go to for Pride.

I didn’t want to go to any big events this year; I just don’t like big crowds and porta-potties and loud noise. I decided earlier on this month I just wasn’t going to. In past years, I’ve either gone or felt a little regretful, worrying that I’m getting in my own way of having good life experiences. But I’ve done it! I know what those events are like, and my social life is doing well enough I don’t really feel like I’m missing anything. So I had a good time in my own neighborhood, and I enjoyed hearing about the big events from other people. They had a good time and I had a nap. And a friend’s birthday party—that was nice too.

I’ve been slacking on the crow feeding, mostly due to a kind of comical level of trying to acquire the cheapest peanuts and failing. My partner and I keep looking for cheaper ones than the hardware store, but we’ve so far found: 1. No peanuts 2. Cheap-ish very small bags of them 3. Okay priced but shelled—and I think the crows prefer un-shelled (meaning shell-on)! I see them fly off with them like to go boxes and it’s delightful. I aim to go with the preferred ones so they know I notice! I think if they had to stick around I could also watch them more, but I’m trying to just give to the crows and walk away. I think if they feel respected they’ll respect me! And I’m happy to see them land and just go inside. It’s made me feel so rewarded when a crow seems to prefer I stick around. Anyway, we’re now out of birdseed due to squirrels and out of peanuts due to logistics, but I’m hoping to get back to it soon. I love that the outside animals ask for treats too! Plus the neighborhood cat, who asks only for pets. I worried once that the cat might scare off the birds, but I didn’t see any decline in feathered visitors after our last cat visit.

I’m also attempting to be a morning person, but continually not really getting there. I’ve been more of a “wake up early then go back to sleep” person, which is much closer what I want, at least. I don’t think it’s better to wake up early, but I don’t really enjoy night time and I do enjoy early morning. The days feel longer, even if I go to bed early (which I haven’t in ages). It’s something about transition! I really struggle with activity transitions, and bed time feels like the most stressful kind. I’m heading into dreams, which I can control even less than waking life, and then I’ll wake up in some unknown amount of pain (from chronic pain) and hunger (which is somewhat predictable, but will I have an appetite?) Last night I was watching YouTube before bed (which was fine; I had just read so much this weekend I didn’t want to read anymore) and it felt bad to put it down because what if I didn’t want to watch the same things tomorrow? Would those videos be lost forever? That all feels kind of silly, but it is what I am experiencing, and I am sure someone relates. Do you? Maybe both of us thinking about it as a transitions thing might help.

I also read SO much this month. I’m very happy about it and have so much to say! Let’s move on to that.

Reading

I finished FIVE books since my last newsletter, and I’m very excited about it! That’s the most books I’ve read in one month since college. A year ago I was just starting to read consistently again, and now it’s become a major hobby. I’m so pleased and even proud! Slowly picking up the pace. I often have a little existential crisis about how I can’t read all the books in the world I might want to, so it’s nice to feel like I might be able to read more than I expected.

I read: You Didn’t Hear This from Me: (Mostly) True Notes on Gossip by Kelsey McKinney, I Who Have Never Known Men by Jacqueline Harpman, Authority by Jeff Vandermeer, and Hi Honey I’m Homo!: Sitcoms, Specials, and The Queering of American Culture by Matt Baume, who also has a YouTube channel.

You Didn’t Hear This from Me

You Didn’t Hear This from Me surprised me. Kelsey McKinney was the initial host and co-creator of the podcast Normal Gossip, which I think I somehow haven’t talked about in a newsletter, despite it being one of my favorite podcasts. Normal Gossip tells relatively lighthearted stories submitted by listeners of wild but fairly ordinary things that happened to them, or someone they know, or someone their friend knows, as is the way of gossip. They take the story and anonymize the details, then weave it into an interesting half-hour narrative. There’s a host (originally McKinney, now Rachelle Hampton) and a different guest each time. The host tells the guest and the audience the story and we all enjoy their reactions.

I love this podcast; it is what I like about podcasts reading “Am I the Asshole?” posts, without the bitter feeling of someone having to be wrong or doing truly horrible things. Normal Gossip episodes sometimes have a villain, but there are always little twists and often no one is really right or wrong. Which doesn’t stop the host from asking the guest “who’s side are you on?” near the end of each episode. The fact that sometimes that question makes absolutely no sense makes it more delightful. The stories are fun and well curated, well written.

Because it was the same topic, one of the same writers, and the description had a neutral to whimsical tone, You Didn’t Hear This from Me was much heavier than I expected. The podcast has been advertising the book for awhile, in a very fun and excited way, so I expected the book to be similar to Normal Gossip. It is really different. The tone isn’t exactly heavy, but a lot of the details are. There are chapters about the author’s particular Christian upbringing demonizing gossip and the way that made her feel as someone so excited by gossip; about how gossip is perceived and takes place for teens; about celebrity harassment and how it relates to celebrity gossip; about the way gossip helps expose bad famous men and how it also protects them. I’d say most of the chapters are about something at least a bit heavy.

Aside from being surprised by the weight of it, I really enjoyed reading it. I enjoy a good narrative, and I enjoy a person exploring an idea in many different directions. I learned about the writer, and therefore a bit more about the podcast, too—that she finds a huge amount of joy in gossip and always has. I think I assumed that it was just a fun concept; I think most people like gossip, especially if it has nothing to do with them or their life.

It all—the book and the podcast—makes me consider how much I like gossip, and if it’s an average amount, or not. I have become a bit less careful about it. I think it’s a difficult balance; I like to gossip but I want to be trustworthy, too. In the past, I’ve gossiped about my in-person friends with my online-only friends and vice versa. In my 20s, I had a lot of space between friend groups. In my 30s, my life is less segmented. My online friend groups shrunk, sometimes down to no one at all. My in-person connections frayed with the pandemic. I don’t have as much energy to generate new social worlds for myself. I don’t get out as much. So now, most of the math on whether gossip is worth it is less foolproof, and I’ve had to accept that my options are either keeping things to myself or potentially regretting that I didn’t. No one’s perfect, but I still try to balance it well. And I think after enjoying the Normal Gossip podcast, I’ve gotten much less concerned about enjoying gossip conceptually. I have heard that the podcast made a tangible impact on how a lot of people think of gossip, and I think it has for me too. It’s not bad; it’s kind of neutral on the whole, and individual cases vary like most social things. Some of the best gossip is so many degrees away it doesn’t matter.

You Didn’t Hear This from Me starts with a bit of an argument for why gossip is useful and important; that argument runs through the book, but it’s also secretly a memoir, and making a lot of other points along the way. I can really appreciate that as a structure. On a smaller level, that’s what I do too with my writing. I like to confront who I am in ways that might be relevant to other people, and to personalize the things outside of me that I want to discuss.

My only criticism of the book is that she included some “facts” that I know are incorrect, which made me question the rest of the facts in it. I still enjoyed the points she was making and learning more about her and my own culture. Most of the book was narrative, not research reporting, so the doubt didn’t take away much from the experience.

Overall I recommend it! Be warned it’s heavy, but if that’s okay with you, it’s an excellent exploration of a taboo-ish topic, thoughts about our culture, and some really interesting pieces of memoir.

I Who Have Never Known Men

I wrote a whole essay on this one! Linked here: https://michaelzzaki.substack.com/p/reading-i-who-have-never-known-men

Authority

Oof, this was so interesting but so slow. Annihilation was very fast-paced, and so I was surprised by how slow-paced this one was.

Authority is the second of four novels in a series called The Southern Reach series, which includes Annihilation, Authority, and Acceptance. It was originally a trilogy, but recently a fourth book was published called Absolution. I wrote about Annihilation in last month’s newsletter; you can also read that excerpt on my website’s review page: https://www.michaelzzaki.com/media-reviews/

Authority had a really different type of stakes and interiority, too. I was really struck by how moving from first person in the first book to third person in the second book affected the experience of this person’s writing. It was still “close” third person; only from one person’s perspective; but having that tiny bit of distance made the whole story feel less urgent and visceral. The plot itself was also less urgent, so this makes sense. But both of these things made it a little harder to read. I think that’s interesting, though. The protagonist in Authority, who’s name is John but “for some reason” goes by Control during the events of the book, is much more empathetic and connected to others than the protagonist in Annihilation, yet I felt much less connection to this character. It feels intentional, and I’m very curious why the author made these choices. Do those things balance out over the course of the two books?

I was also kind of surprised that this book picks up exactly after the events of the first one. Annihilation felt very complete in it’s open-endedness, so I assumed Authority was going to be less of a literal sequel and more “in the same world.” I just started the third book, which also seems to be a third in the same story rather than “in the same world”.

Annihilation and Authority were published in the same year, which I find very interesting. They came out in February and May 2014, respectively. I am less familiar with series in general; I haven’t read series much as an adult; so maybe this is typical, but I was still surprised; again because Annihilation felt so complete. Authority does not feel complete, however, and it makes sense there was a third book, also released in 2014—in September. I’m fascinated why a series that was released completely in one year has another piece published 11 years later. I will almost certainly read it and share my thoughts!

I enjoyed the character of Control, and I really liked the ways the plot both resolved and added to the mysteries of Annihilation. I think if you really liked the sense of completion and mystery left at the end of the first book, it makes sense to leave it there—but if you are open to a little more revealed and a little more mystery stacked on, I do recommend it! It’s just longer and slower. I may write more on this one, particularly after finishing the “end” of the “trilogy”.

Pride Month Read: Hi Honey, I’m Homo!

I’ve started a tradition of reading one LGBTQ+ history book each year in June. Hi Honey, I’m Homo! was a really good choice for me this year. I learned a lot, and it was interesting. I think Baume did a good job weaving political history in with the television history to provide context and talk about how they influenced each other.

The book was primarily focused on overall positive depictions of gay people. There was acknowledgment of shortcomings, but not much time spent on the truly horrible plots and characters or their impacts. I thought this was a nice choice; I think most LGBTQ+ people know that media has not been kind to us. A book can only be so long, and I appreciate the focus on the good that some TV has done for the queer community, and how advocacy affected TV.

I learned a lot from this book. I had really no idea that the 1970s had any positive queer characters or narratives, and certainly didn’t know that TV executives cared about not offending queer people. Within the narrative of this book, it seems like the ‘80s and ‘90s were more of a setback than a progression in some ways. Gay characters were more frequently talked about than present, even in the more positive stories. It makes some sense—I know AIDS really scared everyone; queer communities in reasonable ways and straight people in mostly bigoted unfair ways. This book did highlight that, and how Reagan’s presidency set a different tone culturally that was reflected on TV (and that these two facts are very related).

I was very touched by the knowledge that a lot of straight people were making an effort in the 20th century to try to make cultural change through television. There was a chapter about a very controversial ‘70s show called Soap which had a gay character named Jodie, played by Billy Crystal (I also learned this was his first big acting role), who was part of the main cast of characters. According to this book, Billy Crystal hesitated to take the role both because of a fear of typecasting (he had done another, smaller role playing a gay man) and because he wasn’t sold on the idea that this character wouldn’t do more harm than good to gay people. It seems like he and the writers did care about gay people and how they were perceived, and the end of the chapter has a few quotes from them, and how they are proud of the good their show did accomplish. Apparently, by the end of the series, there had been a plot line where Jodie gets custody of his kid, and when the studio polled viewers before the episode aired, 75% of them thought the arc should end with him winning. I cried at that—this was in the mid ‘70s! Attitudes toward gay people seemed to be generally abysmal, but this show made some difference.

Reading this book was so soothing and affirming about the things that matter to me. I care a lot about media, and I’m a writer, and in recent years I’ve wondered if “representation” actually does matter, if what I do matters, if art actually changes anything or just keeps us from “doing” anything. This book reassured me that popular attitudes and popular culture play together and change each other. Baume talked about a study (one study, so grain of salt) comparing attitudes toward queer people before and after watching positive portrayals of gay characters—developed with the question of whether fictional characters would have a similar effect to getting to know a real queer person—and their conclusion was that it often does have a similar effect; attitudes improve.

He didn’t really discuss the impact of the Internet on any of this—which was very interesting to me. The last chapter was about Modern Family, which ran from 2009-2020 (which was news to me! I thought it ended around 2015). A lot has happened since 2010—there’s an explosion of independently created online content; there are queer people everywhere; so many that we can make fiction about queer people who aren’t great, without so much worry that’s the only exposure any straight person has to our communities.

So I wonder—what has changed overall with the Internet? Are TV shows still changing minds?

I’m kind of lost on what I know about pop culture anymore. I mostly stopped watching regular TV when I left my family’s home for college in 2010. I’ve felt pretty out of touch; I know that streaming services use algorithms and I am probably not seeing what all people are seeing.

In the last couple years, I got a subscription to NBC’s streaming service, though, and there were a couple shows with queer characters that surprised me. I watched a remake of Queer as Folk, which I did not like the original US version of (I haven’t seen the UK original). This one was very interesting and I enjoyed it more, but also felt kind of insufferable; it kept the worst part of the original, in that one of the mid-20s characters has sex with a minor. I’ve already forgotten if there’s a repeat of that in the new series, but it does happen once, when the 17 year old has snuck into a 21+ bar. I still hated it. Why not just drop it? This version also had trans characters, and the mid-20s trans character is gay and cheats on her wife, for some reason? Her wife cheats on her too? I feel like I’m back in the L-Word (which was it’s own mixed bag—and definitely not on network TV, which was the focus of Honey, I’m Homo!)

I also watched Quantum Leap recently, another re-make, but really more of a sequel, to the original ‘90s series. That one is definitely for a general audience, and it has one character (in their late-20s) who is non-binary in some way. I’m actually not sure if anyone uses pronouns for this character at all—which is interesting. I found a few of their lines irritating, but overall I think they’re a good queer character for a general audience—they seem like a real person I could know in my own community, but I think they’re probably comprehensible for cis straight people, too.

This all makes me think about the role of media in this way. The question a lot of people bring up now—do we have to have only good representatives, and what does that mean? Part of the end goal of all this queer activism is that we get to exist how we are—some of us are assholes, some of us are kind, good people. And yet—what is the responsibility of people who make network television? What is the role of network television at all these days? What is the responsibility of artists who aren’t on the biggest stages of TV, music, writing, etc.?

I’ve been very insulated in my adulthood. I’ve done a lot of picking and choosing from niche media, and spending time mostly with people like me, or working from home and barely chatting with co-workers. I feel very out of touch with what kind of impact media has now—the Internet feels so hard to understand and track. When it was network TV and cable, it seems easier to know what most people are watching. Now there are so many streaming services, online content, etc. I’m sure that seeing queer people online also helps change attitudes—but just like TV, probably for better and worse. I wish I understood.

This book made me feel very emotional. This year, being trans feels so nerve-wracking, even in a relatively safe location. It feels sad that people don’t care about us. It feels sad and infuriating to be used as a distraction, too. I know some of the hatred toward us is festering faster and louder to distract us from ICE.

It is a strange time in all our lives. I think this book made me hungry for history, and to know more people older than me and different from me. It also made me remember all the setbacks we’ve had and that we’ve kept going, because we still exist and always will.

I’m glad I read it—I recommend it if you’d like some queer history and TV history. It left me with a lot of questions; I can feel the empty spaces of the story, but not in a way that feels bad; a book can, as I said, only be so long. The only place that felt actually unclear why it’s missing is talking about race; I’m not sure if that was oversight or if there were really no mainstream positive depictions of queer people of color. I would believe that—it sounds like there was endless handwringing about what would happen if the viewers saw positive white gay characters. If you know somewhere I could learn more, let me know! I’d really love to check out other sources.

I had so many other queer feelings, but apparently no more thoughts. I just finished the book the other day, so I am still letting it percolate—I can probably write more about pride and queerness and politics once June is actually over.

Arts and Crafts and Aesthetics

I’m back at making earrings! This happens about twice a year, I’m realizing (by looking at my own Instagram). I am really really trying to get enough to sell at at least one local market over the next three months. I think I’ve hoped to make ones I can repeat, but honestly even if I just sell a bunch of one-off pairs that I just enjoy but don’t want to wear, that seems totally fine.

I’ve made some beaded ones from pre-made beads:

Annnnd my spouse taught me how to use the 3D Printer CAD program to design things and that has been really exciting! My first design is a pair of abstracted strawberries. I’m working on making them a little less translucent, then I plan to use paint pens to do things like faces or just drawing on the little black dots for seeds. I am excluding a photo because the first draft is only okay, and more importantly, I’m nearing the email size limit. They are on my Instagram though, if you happen to be very curious.

I am also having a fun time with make-up and clothing again! It’s been a really fun time. My partner bought a couple pairs of overalls and we’ve been having a good overalls season. I think I look really cool lately and it also pains me to keep the beautiful photos of my partner to myself, because they look SO good. They did amazing makeup for the house parties we’ve gone to!

I’ve also been very into yellow this year, and will include some photos of my recent looks in another email, since again…size limit. I need to conserve space for bunny photos! Speaking of which…

Rabbits

The bunnies are doing really well. I’ve been sitting on the ground with them more, and trying to be at my desk more too. I’ve spent a lot of days in the past several months mostly away from them, because my desk is not comfortable, so I’ve been trying to set up more space in the office that’s comfy. We’ve upped the floor cushions and I’ve been trying to work at my desk more (like I am now). I often forget that while they both like direct attention, they also really just want my partner and I nearby. They’ve been banned from the bedroom since last fall when they got extra destructive, and so there’s been less ambient presence—we have to go sit with them intentionally. My dream is to let them roam all over again, but unfortunately one of the few downsides of having bunnies is that they will munch and dig at everything, so it’s hard to imagine a state where all our clothes, books, rugs, and furniture are safe from their little sharp teeth.

But recently it’s been really good. Floor time is good with or without rabbits, but it’s best with these bunnies climbing on and around me. They are entertaining each other and us humans, and I have gotten some pretty damn cute pictures of them in June. They haven’t been outside, because we’ve crossed the time threshold of them needing an expensive booster shot on the weird outside bunny virus, and that’s an expense that doesn’t seem worth it this year, so, big sigh—indoor buns this summer.

I’m thinking up more entertaining for them, so let me know if you have any ideas! They like project materials—Tiramisu is an arts and crafts boy and Tilly likes to make practical adjustments to objects—and then over adjust them when I don’t get him a new one fast enough…

They’re perfect and I’m grateful for them <3

Here are some of said cute photos:

Thank you SO MUCH for reading! I hope you’ve had a delightful June and have a wonderful July.

If you have any thoughts you want to share, I’d LOVE to hear from you. You can leave a public comment by clicking the “leave a comment” button, or if you want to just message me privately, you can email me at michaelzzaki.writes@gmail.com

Thank you again!!

also, the photo thumbnail for this is a rainbow sprinkly photo, by this photographer: https://www.pexels.com/@mccutcheon/